


Sleeping Alone

by KethriHolmes



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, M/M, Minor Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-24 08:31:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 12,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4912489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KethriHolmes/pseuds/KethriHolmes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen is killed in a rift fight inside Skyhold, but the Inquisition lives on, although Ellana herself is struggling with doing just that. However, a new foe appears, as well as a few other surprises that keep Ellana on her toes. And who is this mysterious man who appears at Skyhold?</p><p>Takes place after the main game of DA:I but before Trespasser, so some things will be different I'm sure. I HAVEN'T PLAYED IT YET SO DON'T SPOIL IT! A softened Leliana is divine, Blackwalls is properly part of the wardens and Solas is off being his elf bastard self.</p><p>The chapters ended up really short on this, so I'm sorry for that, but that's just where the breaks happened. The story is a little fragmented, so that's why it ended up that way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Nightmares

The nightmares are worse without him here. My mighty templar. I didn’t think days could be so long. I feel more exhausted at the end of the day now that when we were traipsing all over creation, fighting demons and red templars and anything else with a weapon and half a brain. Back then, I counted the days until I could return to Skyhold, where Cullen would always be waiting for me with a kiss and a smirk that could make a dragon forget how to breathe fire.

I wake up on the floor, Dorian standing over me. “Ellana? Are you alright?” He asks, pulling me up into a sitting position.

Sleeping alone is impossible. I feel like I’m being stretched across my bed, trying to fill the space of two with just one of me. Even moving back into my old bed didn’t help. Dorian sleeps with me now. I hate to pull him away from Iron Bull, but he’s my best friend and the warmth helps. The nightmares don’t go away, but at least when I do have one, he is there to comfort me. I don’t think I could kick him out now, anyways. He jumped at the idea when Cole suggested it. Before that, Cole had been bringing me tea, more pillows, cute animals - anything he could think of to lift my spirits. None of it worked, of course, but it was sweet.

“I’m...” I almost say fine, but then Dorian gives me that raised-eyebrow tell me the truth look. He hates it when I say fine. “Oh, alright.” I pull my knees up to my chest and lean against the bed, curling my toes into the rug until it hurts.

Dorian sits down next to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. “Tell me.”

I lay my head back on his elbow and take a deep breath. “I was lost in the Fade again. Corypheus stood in front of me, with Cullen. He...he kept killing Cullen in different ways, but he kept coming back. I didn’t...I couldn’t move, couldn’t save him. He just kept dying and dying and I...” I swallow hard, my mouth suddenly dry, all the water in my face spilling from my eyes. “I woke up. I left him there to die again.” By the end I’m shouting. I hold my eyes open, not even daring to blink. Every time I do, it’s like it’s still happening. He’s still there, in the Fade. I abandoned him."

Dorian pulls me into his arms. “Shh, it’s okay. You’re safe now.”

My body trembles as I mutter, “But he isn’t.”

Dorian stands up, pulling me with him. “Let’s go get something to eat. It’s close enough to breakfast that there should be food ready. You might even feel a little better afterwards.”

I nod. I’m not hungry but I’m not going to get any more sleep, especially with the sun starting to show on the horizon.


	2. At Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana gets more than she planned at breakfast.

At breakfast, I stab food with my fork, but nothing looks good. I’m just about to give up and go find something else to do when Vivienne accosts us. Dorian looks suspiciously like he expected it. She sits down across from me. “We need to talk, my dear.”

I sigh. “What are you two planning now?” Really, I’m grateful. Team Mage may not be the same now that Solas has disappeared, but I still seem to find myself hanging around Dorian and Vivienne a lot.

“Not planning, doing,” Dorian laughs. “Don’t you realize? This is a kidnapping and an intervention all rolled into one.”

“A what now?” I ask, standing up.

“Now dear, don’t make a scene.” I can hear the magic in her words, even as my eyes are closing.

“I”m going to get you both for this,” I say as I sink into Dorian’s arms.

“After you’re done thanking us, of course.” Dorian’s voice is the last thing I hear before I drift off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is so ridiculously short! The next one will be a lot longer and more exciting, I promise.


	3. Val Royeaux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Mage goes shopping

When I wake up again, I’m in a bright room, sun streaming through the tall windows. “Wha-where am I?”

“Oh good, you’re awake.” Dorian appears beside me. “You are also in a quaint little house of Vivienne’s in Val Royeaux.”

“Little?” I ask with a raised eyebrow. But then the full weight of what he said hits me. “Val Royeaux! But I need to be in Skyhold. What if something goes wrong? What if-” I try to get up but Dorian just pushes me back down with a laugh. It’s not hard. I’m a tiny little elf with knobbly stick limbs, and a mage at that, with no need to have strengthened myself physically.

“Don’t push yourself too hard, my dear,” Vivienne says, walking in. “The effects of my spell are still wearing off.”

“But Skyhold...”

Dorian puts his finger to my lips. “Will still be there when you get back. We even got permission from Cassandra and Josephine to spirit you away. Everyone agrees that you’ve been working yourself too hard since...well, everything will be taken care of, I promise.”

I scowl and cross my arms. “Alright, so you’ve got me here. Now what?”

“My dear, what else do you do in Val Royeaux but go shopping?” I try not to show how excited Vivienne’s words make me because I’m still mad at them, but I love shopping, and it’s been so long since I bought anything impractical. Vivienne smirks, seeing it in my pale grey eyes anyway. “But first, we have to do something with that hair of yours.”

My hand goes immediately to my honey butter hair, knotted from lying on it. When was the last time I even combed it? For years I had managed to keep it looking gorgeous, regardless of where we were or what the conditions were. It was a point of pride. But after that day at Skyhold, I just kind of...gave up.

Vivienne coaxes the long hair through a brush, starting at the bottom and working her way up. It’s so incredibly soothing that I actually start to relax for the first time in weeks. When she finishes, my hair is a twisting swirl of braids all woven together like they’re dancing. I want to touch it, but she bats my hand away.

“Don’t mess it up, dear,” she chastises. “I’m not doing it again.”

“And now you can get out of those dreadful rags you’ve been wandering around in,” Dorian adds. I hadn’t realized just how bad of shape my tunic and breeches were in. Dorian ducks into a closet and comes back out with a floor-length dress, pale blue trimmed with silver.

“Oh,” I gasp, reaching for it without thinking. Dorian laughs as he hands it over. I’m immediately out of my old clothes and slipping into the dress, which is light and summery to match the turn of warm air outside. The sleeves float away from my arms in a wide circle, draped similarly to the skirt. The bodice is form-fitting and has a high neckline with a low back, a style that is suddenly everywhere in Orlais now that the return of summer makes layers of heavy petticoats a nuisance instead of a necessity. Masks are still always fashionable, however the matching hats aren’t, which I can approve of. No sooner has the thought crossed my mind than Vivienne pulls out a stunning silver lattice mask.  
“Vivienne, you really do think of everything,” I say as she pins it to my hair. Perfect fit, of course.

“Darling, if you are not the talk of Val Royeaux but the end of the day, I simply haven’t done my job correctly.” She passes over a pair of heeled shoes that match my mask. “No matter how you feel, you are still the Inquisitor and must act as such, never losing your radiance.” The words might be cold to anyone else, but to me they are oddly comforting. It’s something for me to focus on. Whatever my original feelings on being the Inquisitor, I’ve completely embraced the role and people depend on me. Without that, I would probably fade away now.

We go to several shops around the city, earning lots of stares and jealous glares but my heart isn’t really in it, although purchasing a new pair of tan boots covered in black lace does help a little. And then I see the dress shop. I almost walk right by it - what am I going to need a ballgown for? But in the window is a midnight blue gown with a sleeveless sweetheart corset that flares into a skirt covered in white gems sparkling like stars.

Vivienne catches me staring and drags me into the shop. “The Inquisitor would like to try on that blue dress in the window,” she announces. The owner can’t jump up fast enough, bowing and scraping and calling over attendants. I hate when she throws my title around like that, and the groveling annoys me, but I’m too distracted by the dress to say anything. That’s a fight for another day.

“You look stunning!” Dorian cries as I exit the dressing room.

“That dress looks simply marvelous on you, my dear,” Vivienne agrees. “We simply must have Josephine organize a ball so you can show it off.”

I don’t know about a ball, but I can’t leave without the dress. It is silk and glory and reminds me of the view of the night sky from the hole in Cullen’s roof. Somewhere in me, I need to look like the sky because maybe he is in it.


	4. Party Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana takes drastic measures to prepare for an upcoming journey.

After Val Royeaux, Dorian pretty much permanently moves into my room. I sit on my bed while Iron Bull brings over one last box.

"Are you sure this is okay?" I ask again. Bull just looks at me and smiles, setting the box down.

"Ben-Hassrath training, remember? I'm good at reading people, figuring out what they need. Right now, you need Dorian, and I can live with that."

I jump up and hug him, my arms around his hips and head on his upper abdomen. "Thanks, Bull."

He pats my head. "No problem, Boss."

"This is all well and good, but don't you have a staff meeting to go to?" Dorian comes up the stairs to my room and puts a bag on the bed.

"Shit," I sigh. Meetings are now just me, Cassandra, and Josephine, now that Leliana has left to become the new Divine and Cullen is...is dead.

I jog down to the war room. "Good. You are here," Cassandra says as I slip through the small door. It's just a piece cut out of the larger double-doors, but there's no need to use those cursed heavy things on a regular basis.

Josephine stands behind the table with her iconic note-board and quill. Cassandra is pouring over the map on the table. "Report?" I ask, joining her.

"We had a report come in about a new fade rift opening in the Fallow Mire," Cassandra begins. "The local bann is asking for us to go close it." I wrinkle my nose. Just thinking of the stench of mold and death there makes me want to run as far away as possible.

"We have also been invited to the opening salon of the season by Duchess Rowena," Josephine continues. Then, seeing the sour look on my face, she adds, "I know you don't like her, but many alliances could be gained by merely making an appearance."

I scowl. "How long until I have to go to that?"

"A little over a month."

I sigh. "Then I'm going to distract myself from that by going and closing that new rift." Now the Fallow Mire doesn't seem like so bad a prospect. "I'll leave early tomorrow morning."

Josephine makes a note on her board. "I shall make the necessary preparations. In the meantime, you should tell those you are taking with you and get some rest..." I give her a meaningful look "...as best as you can," she finishes.

I wave and walk back out. I know exactly who I'm going to take, so I start in the entrance hall. Varric is sitting at a table, writing. "I'm not interrupting, am I?" I ask as I walk up.

"Not at all, Cupcake," he says, putting his quill down. "Just some ideas for a new series I'm thinking of."

"Well, can you think of it in the Fallow Mire?" His face scrunches up like mine did. "I know. But a new rift opened up. And it's either that or get pulled into Josephine's preparations for the salon she wants me to go to."

Varric pats my arm. "Demons or Orlesians? There's not enough of a difference to make an easy decision. When are we leaving?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"Alright, I'll be there. But only because it's you, Cupcake."

I give him a quick hug. "Thanks Varric."

Next I go to the Herald's Rest for Iron Bull and Cole to finish off my party, which for once seems well-balanced.

"You wanna stay and grab a drink, Boss?" Bull asks as I come back down the stairs.

I pause and look at him over the railing. "It's still afternoon."

"I'm not about to let time tell me when I can and can't drink," he responds, patting a seat next to him. "Come on, Boss. Enjoy yourself a little before we have to spend days in the muck and marsh."

I hesitate for just a moment, but my alternative is moping around in my room until I fall into fitful sleep. And this will probably help me get to sleep quicker. I take the seat.

"There ya go!" Iron Bull roars. He holds up two fingers and a barmaid comes over with two tankards of...something. Not nearly as intense as what we drank after killing that first dragon, and with a pleasant taste of cinnamon. Whatever it is, it goes down smoothly and I'm quickly downing my third. I felt a little unsteady after the first. I remember getting into a singing competition with Krem during the fourth and nothing after the fifth.


	5. Morning Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a night of fun, it's time to go.

I squint angrily at the offending light streaming through my windows. "Remind me to put curtains up on those stupid windows," I groan as I roll out of bed.

Dorian wakes up at the movement and grins at me. "Have fun last night, did you?"

I glare at him before standing to go to the washroom. I feel better after splashing water on my face, but my stomach feels like it's caving in on itself. Not looking forward to being on a horse later.

I'm the last one to arrive at the gate. Dorian and Cassandra are there to see us off. "Be safe," Cassandra says, putting a hand on my arm.

"As safe as we can be riding straight towards demon-infested marshland," I say, taking the reigns to Andraste, my chestnut mare, from the stable boy that brought her out. She had been with me since Haven, a poorly timed but still hilarious joke about "riding Andraste," but a faithful companion.

Cassandra holds out a map that has the location of the rift marked on it in green. "Then be careful."

"Don't worry, Seeker," Varric interjects. "We'll look after her."

Cassandra smirks at him. "I feel so reassured."

"Be still, my beating heart! Are my ears deceiving me or did you just crack a joke?"

"You and the inquisitor's influence, I am sure," she responds, turning back to me. "Josephine asked that we remind you to be back in time for the salon."

I roll my eyes. "Josephine worries too much. Besides, if there's some reason we're not back in time, it's probably more important than pretending to want nothing more than a dance with Lord Such-and-such." Cassandra laughs as I mount up. The others do the same. "Alright, let's head out."


	6. Fade Rifts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group makes it to the Fallow Mire.

The journey to the Fallow Mire is about two weeks, even on horseback. You could already smell it three days out. There were a few demons that we had to fight on the way to the rift, but nothing too bad until the rift was in sight. Then there were demons pouring out everywhere.

I whip my staff out of its holster. "Bull!" I shout.

"On it, Boss." Iron Bull charges past me towards the rift, pulling out his two-handed battleaxe. Cole disappears beside me and Varric lifts out Bianca. I cover everyone in a barrier and shoot lightning - my weapon of choice. In between spells, I try to disrupt the rift to weaken the demons.

I finish off one demon and turn back to the rift to see another coming straight towards me. Cullen jumps in front of it, a blast of fade energy hitting him square in the chest and knocking him back...I'm about to shout his name but the image disappears and it's Iron Bull, blocking the blast with the head of his war axe. He looks back at me. "You good, Boss?" I snap out of my reverie and nod. It was just a memory. Another battle, another time, another place. This isn't Skyhold. Cullen isn't here.

After so long fighting demons, they don't stand a chance against us now. The battle is over. I go to close the rift but someone appears in it, reaching out to me. Cullen! He's on the other side! I need to keep the rift open. I need to get to him. I need to bring him back. I jump forward towards the fade, but my hand is still closing the rift and I jump through open air, right into Cole, knocking us both over. I roll off and try to stand, but a pain in my side throws me back to the ground. I touch the spot with my hand and pull it away covered in blood. My swimming eyes see red on Cole's dagger. But don't demons have blue blood...I can't focus on anything. The last thing I remember is Iron Bull leaning over and picking me up off the ground before everything's gone.


	7. Skyhold Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana regrets her decisions.

I wake up in my room at Skyhold. My side aches and my head is pounding. Dorian is sitting at my desk, feet propped up and a book in his hands. "How do you feel?" He asks, setting the book down and coming over.

"Like my head is going to explode and like I took a dagger to the ribs."

"So you remember that bit of madness, do you?" He asks, looking at me disapprovingly.

I relax into my pillows and close my eyes. "I thought...I thought I saw Cullen on the other side of the rift." Now, saying it out loud, I know it's ridiculous. That's not how the rifts work. But at the time it just seemed so real and nothing else mattered but him. Nothing else ever mattered but him. "How did I get back here?"

"Bull carried you back to camp, where we could patch you up a little better and then we strapped you to a horse and rode back to Skyhold. I kept you asleep until you could get proper treatment." That means that I slept for two weeks. Three weeks of straight restful sleep with no nightmares. It's like Cullen is still helping me. In a painful, roundabout way. If I hadn't jumped toward the rift towards him, I would never have gotten injured, and would never have had the best sleep in months. It's too bad that mage sleep causes dependency. It's deep and dreamless.

Dorian touches my arm and I slowly open my eyes. He is holding a cup and I can already tell that whatever is in there is going to be unpleasant. Since elfroot is in ninety percent of all health-related potions, someone should have found a way to take away the bitterness. Although I know with almost absolute certainty that Elrin, the Clan Lavellan healer, would make his more bitter than they needed to be so that no one would want to fake sickness just to get out of work.

Still, knowing it was going to be awful, I took the potion from Dorian and tried to gulp it down as quickly as possible. I grew up under the rule of, "do whatever the healer says or feel the wrath of Keeper Istmaethoriel." Being her first meant that I definitely couldn't get away from whatever punishment she devised. Elves in charge of hunting or herb-gathering could at least disappear off into the woods for a time and escape the worst of it.

The drink reduces the pain a little and makes my eyelids heavy. Dorian puts a hand on my cheek. "Rest now, Ellana. We will discuss your rash actions when you're feeling better. Don't think you've gotten out of a stern reprimand just because you can't stay conscious yet."

I nod, or at least, I think I try to nod. Dorian moves back to his seat and I disappear into sleep.


	8. One Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana decides that it's time for her to change rooms.

I'm still technically confined to my bed, or at least my room, when I decide it's time to move out. It's not a decision I came to lightly. But after two weeks of being in my room with mostly just me and Dorian, sometimes Iron Bull, I realize how hard it is for them to be apart all the time. I love Dorian, he's great, and I want him to be happy. My best friend deserves better than being always separated from his lover. So, while he's asleep, I pack a weeks worth of clothes and leave quietly as I can.

I had written a note to Dorian earlier that day, telling him not to worry, that no I wasn't going to tell him where I was staying, and that I wanted him to move back in with Bull. To be fair, the only person who knew and was ever going to know was Cassandra, and that was only so that she could find me in an emergency. She had promised not to tell anyone else. I leave the note on my pillow.

I move back into Cullen's room. The woman who had taken over troop movements and training after Cullen, a soldier named Elirose Wentwater, chose to stay in the barracks and work over there, not even using the office underneath the room. Hopefully, then, no one would find me here.

Before I turn in again, I slip out of Skyhold and walk up a nearby hill. At the top is a gravestone. Cullen Rutherford. It's the first time I've tried to visit since he was buried there. At least there was enough of him to bury. Some people don't even get that. I can only spend a moment there before I go back up and crawl into bed.

The room is losing his scent, but it is still prominent enough to make sleep impossible until I get used to having it around again. My heart aches as much as my side. I looked at the sky and think of the gown. I hadn't been able to attend the salon since I was still recovering, so Josephine and Vivenne had gone to represent the Inquisition in my place. I wondered vaguely if Josephine was going to hold that ball at Skyhold, as she had been thinking of doing. I drifted off and managed one pleasant dream of wearing the dress and floating off into the night sky, where Cullen had turned into a constellation and was waiting for me. One nice dream before the nightmares returned.


	9. Broken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another dream confession with Dorian

I sit with Dorian, my feet draped over the arm of his chair and into his lap. I'm trying to read a book, but I end up just watching him read his, eyes half closed.

"Not getting enough sleep?" I had long ago stopped counting how many times he asked me that question in recent weeks. I nod. "The nightmares?" I nod again and he sighs. I thought that being in our old bed, sleeping with his scent around me, would help. But it doesn't. It just makes me cry myself to sleep and then the nightmares return. Always I am in the Fade. Spiders swarm around me, eyes as big as my head. Or Corypheus stands before me, offering me Cullen's head on a silver platter, laughing. Or I am on a battlefield, the gravestones of my friends piled around me, broken, their lifeless bodies crawling out of the earth towards me...and then I wake up. There are no spiders. Corypheus is still dead. My friends are still alive. Except him.

After a grand pause, I work up the courage to say, "Last night's was different."

"How so?" He's looking at the book again, trying to keep the atmosphere casual.

"I wasn't in the Fade." That gets his attention. He closes the book and looks at me. "I was in a place I didn't recognize - a dungeon, I think. My arms were chained above my head, against a wall, so high that my toes were barely touching the ground. Across from me was...across from me was Cullen." I am quickly losing any momentum I had built up and my eyes were filmed with tears. Telling Dorian my dreams was always hard, but I usually feel better afterwards. "He was glowing red and his eyes were all black, no whites at all. He...put his hand through my chest and pulled out my heart, showed it to me. Then he grinned. 'Guess you won't be needing this,' he said. He crushed it in his hand and then...and then I woke up."

Tears coat my cheeks now. Dorian pulls me into his lap so I can wrap my arms around his shoulders and cry into his neck. "Get it all out, my friend."  
"Hey Dorian! I got the requisitions officer to get me this new whip and-" Iron Bull stops short when he turns the corner and sees us. "I'll just come back later..."


	10. Morning Sickness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who?

It doesn't take Dorian long to find where I've been staying the past week. I guess if I'd really wanted to hide, I would have picked a less obvious spot. But I still refuse to let him stay with me. I'll be fine, I say, even though I know he hates to hear it.

"Ellana, you're late for our library time, and I for one am feeling very abandoned." Dorian walks into my room only to find me hunched over my privvy. He goes over and pulls my hair back from my face. "Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry."

I just shake my head and retch again, although very little comes out. There isn't much left in my stomach.

"How long have you known?" Dorian asks, getting a glass of water from the pitcher on my bedside table.

I take a couple careful sips before answering. "I've been suspicious for a few weeks, but I didn't know for sure until this morning." It's been just over two months since I last slept with Cullen. Perfect timing.

"A few weeks?" He asks. I can see him doing the math in my head and I flinch, knowing what he's going to say. "So you knew, or thought you knew, when you decided to go waltzing around in marshes?"

I sigh and sit on the floor, not wanting to move too far from the privvy but also not wanting to hover over it, risking more violent illness just from the smell. "It was just a passing thought then."

"But the stab wound! Is the baby okay?"

I nod. "I was also sick a couple of hours ago. A healer came in and checked on me, and also on the baby. It's fine and I'm fine, so stop fussing." Dorian glared at me. "Alright, so I'm not fine, but I'm coping and alive so shut it."

Dorian stood up. "No more adventures for you for a while," he said. I nod reluctantly and he smiles gently, brushing a lock of hair behind my ear. "I'll be right back with some bread and a maid to switch out your chamberpot."


	11. Telling Everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana makes an announcement

I stand sheepishly in my old room, all my friends around me. At least, the ones that are still at Skyhold, with Solas off to who-knows-where, Blackwall off to actually join the wardens, Leliana off being the Divine, and Cullen. And I've just announced that I'm pregnant.

"No more running around fighting demons," Josephine says immediately.

Dorian laughs. "I already covered that yesterday when I found out."

I grumble a little. I hate being cooped up. But I guess now I have to realize that I can no longer think of just me. Iron Bull pats me on the shoulder. "Don't worry, I'm sure we can pick up the slack."

"So now there's going to be a miniature version of you running around?" Sera asks.

Cassandra gave her a stern look. "We are not going to let you corrupt Ellana's baby."

Sera sticks her tongue out. "It's not corrupting or whatever if you're having fun."

"So much love, but sadness also. Will he have his eyes, his hair?" Cole says softly.

"He?" I ask. Cole nods.

"So the important question, then," Varric chips in. "Will he be named after a certain loveable dwarf?"

I laugh and shake my head. "Actually, Cullen...Cullen and I had already picked out a couple names. You know, we weren't planning on anything specifically, but just in case…"

Vivienne sees me retreating into my own mind and shuffles people out. “Come now. Let Ellana get some rest.”


	12. Planning Entertainment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to plan a better party.

“It's time to get up, my dear.” Vivienne's voice is clear in the brisk morning air.

I slowly pull my eyelids apart to see Vivienne and Josephine standing beside my bed. I've moved again into my original room because the healer was not about to let me sleep with a hole in the ceiling, especially since it's starting to get colder now. “Why am I getting up?” I mumble. I was up at dawn emptying my insides.

“Well, since we have you here...” Josephine starts. I grown. I had sent Cole, Varric, Bull, and Dorian out just this morning to investigate reports of a stray group of Venatori that had been off doing something and didn't know that Corypheus had been defeated three months ago. “Don't be like that, Ellana,” she scolded. “Since we have you here, Vivienne and I think the three of us should organize a ball. Vivienne tells me you bought a lovely dress in Val Royeaux, and you didn't get to go to the salon...”

I sit up against my pillows. I hadn't been too excited about the salon because the reason for going would have been entirely political. But this...this I can plan so that it is more of a party, and no one will question me if I leave early, even if it isn't for the baby. There's now way they would know that. And I do love planning things and dancing… “Alright, lets do it,” I answer finally.

“We'll let you get dressed,” Vivienne says, smiling victoriously and walking towards the stairs. “Meet us up in my lounge area.”

I quickly slip into a white under-gown and a blue muslin dress with white ribbon corseting up the front. I run a comb through my hair and go to find Vivenne and Josephine.


	13. The Ball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisitor attends the much-awaited ball.

“Stop fidgeting, my dear,” Vivienne says. “I'm almost done.” I hold my head still. It's not my fault. I'm really excited for this ball and it's taking a really long time to get ready. My dress was pretty easy for the servants to get me into, since it was just a couple layers of petticoats, the dress, and the corseting in the back. But the hair. Vivenne had been working on my hair for three hours and had said that she was “almost done” four times now. “There. Go ahead and look.”

I nearly fly to the mirror. The style is lovely and well worth the wait. She had curled the tresses, formerly falling over halfway down my back, into little ringlets, which took the most time. Then she had spent an hour pinning those ringlets to the back of my head with blue vitriol pins so that a few of them framed my face and the rest just barely tickled the back of my neck. “It's beautiful, Vivienne.”

“Of course it is my dear.” She was dressed elegantly as usual in white and steel grey, although instead of the pants she usually wore, she had petticoats, a steel underskirt and a white overskirt, both in silk.

I slip into sparkling silver heels and pin blue vitriol earrings into my earlobes and drape a matching necklace around my neck. Both are simple for Orlesian fashion, which suits me just fine.

The only thing keeping me from flying down the stairs is the long skirts. I love parties, and this one promises to be a good one. Vivenne, Josephine and I worked hard to make sure everything was perfect.

I slip out my door and into the entrance hall, which has been transformed into a ballroom. “May I have this dance?” I turn to see Dorian beside me.

“Why, of course, sir, if your beau can stand to be away from you,” I laugh as he takes my hand and leads me out.

“I'm sure he'll manage without me for one dance.” We whirl around to the Antivan waltz, the beautiful music soft and smooth. “Your dress is beautiful.”

“Thank you. I'm glad I got a chance to wear it. I just wish...” I wish that Cullen could have been here to see it. To dance with me. To make me forget my worries, just like he did at the Winter Palace. 

I don't say any of these things, but Dorian knows me better than that. He makes me do a little spin and then puts a finger to my lips before grabbing my waist again and continuing the dance. “There will be none of that,” he says. “You're supposed to be having fun while you can still move.” I glance down at my stomach. I haven't started to show yet, but that will come soon.

The dance ends and we go to the snack table for a couple of those little cakes. Still delicious. “As usual, Josephine has outdone herself,” I comment. Dorian's answer is to pop a whole one into his mouth.

“Care to dance?” A voice says from behind me. But no, it can't be. But Dorian's eyes are wide, astonished, shocked. It only confirms what was already in my head. I turn slowly. Behind me, dressed in a black tunic and breeches trimmed in gold is Cullen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What, you didn't see that coming?


	14. The Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is turned upside down. Everything.

I sense Dorian coming closer and then feel his hand on my waist. “Cullen? Is that you?” I ask tentatively. It's not really a question, more of a statement of disbelief. I could never forget that rakish scar on his lip, or the way his hair curls around itself, or the protective way he holds his body like he's going to jump right between danger and everyone else. There was no doubt in my mind.

The questioning look in his eyes stops my heart. “Cullen? Who's Cullen? My name is Lord Evan Rainesfere.” He holds out his hand for me to take, to dance with. “I'm sure if you'll look closer, you'll find you were mistaken.”

I do. I look closer. But all it does is prove to me that he really is Cullen. So why won't he admit it? There has to be something else going on. I decide to play along until I can figure out exactly what's going on.

"You're right. You just look very similar to someone I used to know." I step away from Dorian and I can feel his confusion as I take Cullen...Evan's hand and curtsey lightly, the material of my skirt whispering around me. "I would be honored to dance with you, my lord."

I catch Leliana's eye as he leads me to the dance floor and give her a quick hand sign. Speak with me later. Something strange is going on here and I am going to get to the bottom of it. Leliana may not be my spymaster anymore, but I still trust her more than just about anyone to help with this.

“It's so nice to meet you, Inquisitor Lavellan.” His words and the strange formality surrounding them draw me back to him. To his beautiful brown eyes that seem so distant now.  
The dance begins. “Thank you.” What else do you say to that? What else do you say to someone that you had given everything to, only to have them taken from you and then returned, but not.

“My father was upset that he couldn't come, when the invitation arrived, but currently he is confined to his bed.”

“Nothing serious, I hope,” I say, falling into patterns. At least so far he hasn't said anything that strays from usual social responses.

“Oh, no, nothing life threatening, at least. And it worked in my favor, since I was sent in his place and was able to meet you. You are very beautiful.” The words thank you die in my throat, so I just nod.

He continues to sweep me across the floor as the music plays a slow but lilting tune. At the end he sweeps me into a dip. “It really was nice to meet you,” he whispers into my ear. “I'm almost sorry that I have to do this.” And then he kisses me, making my lips tingle and my head spin. But why is everything so dark? It's not until my fingers go numb that I realize something is actually wrong, and by then it's too late and I'm unconscious on the floor.


	15. The News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana can't wake up from this nightmare.

I come back looking at the top of my four poster bed where a large yellow sun has been stitched into the red fabric. My head still feels heavy and I can't move my arms or legs.

“She's awake!” I hear Varric say to my right. I roll my head over to look at him. He's sitting on a chair, a discarded book sitting open on my bedside table. There's a scraping to my left and I look that was to see Josephine sitting at my desk with Cassandra looking over her shoulder. Both of them are now looking at me.

“Ellana! How are you feeling?” Josephine asks.

I open my mouth to answer, but even my jaw and tongue seem sluggish. “It's alright, Ellana. You've been out for three days. We don't expect you to jump right up and get back to work,” Cassandra says with a small smile.

I still try again. “Cullen?” I manage to croak out. Varric, Cassandra, and Josephine look at each other.

“He's down in the dungeons,” Varric says finally. “Although he insists that everybody should stop calling him Cullen because he is Lord Evan Rainesfere.”

I relax back into my pillows. “What happened?”

“He poisoned you,” Cassandra said, ever the one to get straight to the point.

“Ellana, there's something else you should know,” Josephine says hesitantly. “Leliana got your message and was watching you and Cullen...I mean Lord Rainesfere closely. She saw what happened and immediately called the guards and a healer. They got there in time to save you but...” Her voice trails off.

“Please, Josephine, just get it over with,” I say, trying not to dread whatever it is she's going to say too much. It must be serious, but I don't want to think about that.

“Your body, it was convulsing on the floor. The healer was worried that you would stop breathing for too long. It was so chaotic. And...Ellana, the healer managed to save you, but they couldn't save your baby. I'm sorry.”

My brain shuts off and I stare at the yellow sun, which seems to be mocking me now. This isn't sunshine in my life right now. The Creators, the universe, the Maker, someone else in charge of mere mortals – whoever they are, they seem to take joy in taking everything away from me that has anything to do with Cullen.

“Everybody, please just...please just leave me alone for a little while,” I say, rolling onto my side and closing my eyes like I want to sleep.

I hear Varric get up first, standing up from his chair and walking down the stairs. “Of course, Ellana. We'll have someone come in and check up on you later.”

I nod and wait until everyone leaves before I start crying into my pillow.


	16. Second Intervention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana continues to spiral downwards. Sorry not sorry.

They left me alone for a week. I'm surprised it even lasted that long. I wasn't really eating, I definitely wasn't sleeping, now that my unborn baby had also entered my nightmares. How had everything gone so horribly wrong.

During that whole time, I never went down to see Cullen. He was still being interrogated by Cassandra daily, but wasn't giving up any more information. His name was Evan Rainesfere. His father was a bann in Ferelden. He had gone to the party to kill the Inquisitor. What he wouldn't say was why. The Inquisition's spy network tried to find Bann Rainesfere, but by the time they got there, he was long gone. Not that he never existed, which is what I was hoping for.

At the end of the week, Dorian, Varric, and Vivienne follow my meal up. I try to close my eyes and pretend I'm not awake, like I usually do.

“Oh no you don't, cupcake,” Varric says. “I know what game you're trying to play. We've been letting it slide, but this isn't good for you. You need to get up, walk around, smell the fresh air, maybe throw some lightning at something.”

I roll over and glare at him. “I'm not in the mood, Varric,” I say tartly. I shouldn't be angry with him – he's just a friend who's trying to help – but it's so damn frustrating. Can't they see that I want to waste away into nothing? What matters anymore?

As if he read my mind, Dorian says, “You still have friends who love you, and an Inquisition that needs you. You can't give up now.”

I hate how right he is, but I also don't want to care. I sigh. “I'll...I'll...give me a couple more days. Then I'll get up. I promise,” I add, when all three of them look at me skeptically. “I just need a little more time.”

They get up. Dorian kisses me on the forehead. “Don't take too long, Ellana. Your friends will be waiting for you at The Herald's Rest when you decide to join them.”

They walk down the stairs. I can hear Cole saying as they leave, “Heart breaking, whole in half and half again. Nothing sticks except the nightmares. What's the point?”


	17. Everlasting Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana finds a solution in Val Royeaux.

They were right, I needed to get up, to do something. I realize that, now that my couple days are up. But I don't want to go to the The Herald's Rest. I don't want to be in front of all those people, trying to pretend that I'm okay now, I'm better, really, please stop asking me if I'm alright because I don't want to lie anymore but I also don't want to appear weak to those that follow me. Not that it's probably a problem now. I've been in bed moping for over a week. Not exactly the pinnacle of leadership and strength.

What I really need is some time away from Skyhold, away from the looming presence of Cullen in the dungeons, away from the memories and the shock. I need to get out. So I visit Vivienne.

“My dear, it's so good to see you!” She says as I climb the stairs to her veranda. She's looking out her window at Skyhold below and the mountains in the distance, sky above with clouds too pure for my deep blue heart. She doesn't ask if I'm alright and I don't say that I am.

“Vivienne, I think it's time I get out of here. I was wondering if you would like to go to Val Royeaux with me.” There. I said it.

“Of course, dear,” she says brightly. “It will be nice to get away for a while, leave these poor savages behind. Cassandra and Iron Bull really are quite quaint, but I think this is a lovely time for a girl's day out.”

I smile, almost genuinely. “That's it, then. I'd like to leave as soon as possible. Just to be there for a few days.” Maybe this is what I need. To get away. If I could, I would have left by myself. But with security tightened after the ball, it's just as hard to sneak out now as it is to sneak in. No one wants Cullen or a wayward Inquisitor escaping unnoticed.  
Fall is already in fashion in Val Royeaux, everyone dressed in browns and greens and oranges and reds and yellows. My own dress is green with a long brown tunic over top. I'm glad. I don't know if I could have convincingly supported the bright colors of summer.

Vivenne announces as soon as we arrive that she is in need of a relaxing day at the spa and so she drags me over to the salon. As she sets up the appointment, something off to the side catches my eyes – a man, waving me over to him. I glance at Vivienne to make sure she is distracted before I step over to him.

“You look tired there, love,” he says, bowing a greeting. “Having trouble sleeping?” I don't say anything, but the dark circles under my eyes are broadcasting to the world that I haven't slept properly in forever. “I may have just the thing for you.” He points to a chest beside him. “It's a new potion called Nuit Éternelle that will have you sleeping peacefully in no time.”

I bite my lip. Something about this guy seems shady, but sleep...real sleep for the first time since Cullen's death. It's an opportunity I can't pass up. “Alright, you have a deal,” I say.  
The man smiles. He's missing a couple of teeth. “How many would you like?” He asks, opening the chest.

“All of them.”

I make it back to Vivienne as she finishes signing us up. “It looks like they have room for us right now,” she says. I'm sure she waved the name Inquisitor in front of their faces but without any proof I chose to ignore that and follow her inside.


	18. Prison Cell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen or Evan?

The Nuit Éternelle is incredible. It’s a beautiful fuchsia color that glows slightly and tastes like fresh mint and something soft and fruity. It gives you this wonderful light, floaty feeling when you drink it. You lay down and suddenly you are flying, everything around you dropping away – no world, no people, no worries. And then you drift off into sweet, blissful, dreamless sleep.

I took it for the first time last night, and now I feel great. I don’t know why I waited for a week to take it. I guess I was worried, realizing once I got back that I had just bought potions from a stranger on the street. But after another week of restless dozing and nightmares, I gave in. It’s so pleasant.

I walk in to breakfast with everyone at The Herald’s Rest for the first time since I went there with Dorain months ago. I feel refreshed, invigorated.

“You’re looking…energetic today,” Varric says as I sit between him and Sera.

“I feel it,” I reply, grabbing a roll and buttering it. “I finally got a good night’s sleep last night.” Varric looks at me suspiciously but I ignore it. I’m on top of the world. “In fact, I think I’m going to pay a visit to the dungeons today.”

That stops all conversation at the table. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Dorian asks, a forkful of eggs paused halfway from plate to mouth.

“I need to do it at some point. And maybe he’ll say more to me than he does to anyone else.” It was a vain hope, but I was willing to believe, just for today.

I finish breakfast and go to see Cullen with Cassandra, Josephine, and Dorian trailing behind me like mother hens. I think about telling them to leave me alone, but some of my euphoria and confidence from that morning is waning and I don’t really want to be alone with him. But I was right about needing to see him at some point. Cassandra still hasn’t been able to get anything out of him. Neither have the agents that Leliana suggested we try.

I walk tentatively up to the bars. “Cullen?” I ask softly.

“I wish people would stop calling me that,” a voice answers from the back of the cell. “My name is Evan Rainesfere.”

I take a deep breath, steeling myself. This isn’t going to be easy. “Alright then, Cul-Evan. Evan. What were you doing at the ball?”

“Trying to get rid of you.” He says it so matter-of-fact that I physically take a step away from the bars.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath to collect myself. “Why?” I say softly, coming back up to the bars.

He moves so fast, faster than I can remember him ever moving before. He leaps off of the straw mat he had been sitting on and grabs my wrist through the bars, pulling it through them towards him so that I’m trapped against them. I cry out in surprise. “Because,” he whispers in my ear, “You aren’t fit to run the Inquisition. You need to be replaced.” He squeezes my wrist, hard, making me whimper and then he lets go, backing up to the wall and sitting back on the mat as Cassandra and a couple guards run forward.

“Are you alright?” Cassandra asks as she reaches me, grabbing my wrist. There’s only a memory of the initial pain left, and there doesn’t seem to be any bruising. “What did he say?”

I can’t answer her questions. I can only stare at the man in the cell, mute with shock. Oh Cullen. Who did this to you? What’s going on? And, most importantly, how do I fix this?


	19. Go Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana takes a team out.

“We need to find Bann Rainesfere,” I say, standing at the war table with Cassandra, Josephine, and Scout Harding, who I invited for her knowledge of land. She knows more about the layout of Ferelden and Orlais than anyone else. Maybe she can give some insight into where he might have gone.

“We found his holdings, a large estate in southwest Ferelden, near Honnleath,” Harding says, making a mark on the map around the estate. Honnleath was just outside of it.

“Honnleath...” I muse. It sounds familiar… “Cullen!” I say finally, making everyone jump. “That's where I've heard that name before.”

“Cullen was originally from Honnleath,” Cassandra continued, picking up my train of thought. “Is that significant?”

I look at the map. “I don't know. It might be. It's a connection at least. Scout Harding, I want you to set up a camp on the estate.”

“What are you planning, Ellana?” Josephine asks.

I look her dead in the eyes. “I'm going to go find this Bann Rainesfere and I'm going to get some answers.” This is what I need, something to do, a goal, a way to fix things.

Josephine looks like she is going to object but then thinks better of it. “Long as you don't go alone.”

“Of course not,” Cassandra replies. “I'm going with her.”

I can't deny her that. She's known Cullen even longer than I have and wants answers as much as I do. “I'll also take Cole and Varric. Any more than that and Bann Rainesfere may know we're coming. We have to assume that he has spies reporting back to him.” I slip the emergency dagger I keep at my back out of it sheath and stab it into the middle of the circled area. “Let's go.”

It's an obvious dismissal. Cassandra goes to get ready. I go tell Varric and Cole that we're leaving as soon as possible. I don't know if it's because of the good sleep I got last night or because I finally have something to work towards, but I suddenly feel like I could take on all of Thedas. This “Bann Rainesfere” is nothing. I will get Cullen back. He's already been lost to me once. I won't lose him again.


	20. Rainesfere Estate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana and company search the Rainesfere estate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I completely forgot to post up a chapter last week, I'm posting up two this week. Enjoy!

“What are we looking for?” Varric asks as we search the Rainesfere Estate.

“Anything that might tell us where this guy went,” I answer tartly. I'm trying not to be too grumpy, but I haven't slept well on this trip. I wish now that I had brought some of my Nuit Éternelle. But when I was packing, I decided that it wouldn't be good to be unable to wake up during the night. Still a good decision. I just regret it now.  
The estate is a large two-story manor in pristine condition. “Well, he was obviously planning on leaving long before we caught onto him,” Varric muses, shifting papers around on a desk.

“What makes you say that?” Cassandra asks, looking up from the chest she was rifling through.

“Look at this place.” Varric gestures around the room. “Everything looks like it was placed there. Neatly. No papers knocked onto the floor as more important ones were hastily grabbed. Nothing toppled over in a frantic search for something else. No, Seeker, the people who left here did so in a neat and orderly fashion, taking as much time as they needed.”

I think back to my room, left in shambles by quick packing. “It does seem suspicious,” I concede. “That also means they would have stopped to make sure they took everything with them that said where they were going.” Shit. I had been hoping for something to have been here.

“Then we should go back to camp, check in with Scout Harding. See if she and her people found anything in the surrounding landscape.” Cassandra turns to leave, but only Cole follows her. Varric and I are too busy grinning at each other. “What are you two smirking at?”

“Well, with all this guy has done to us...” I start.

“...we're obviously going to take every valuable he's got,” Varric finishes.

“Ugh.” Cassandra rolls her eyes as Varric and I get to work dismantling the manor.

Back at camp, Harding's news isn't much better. “I've found four ways that an entire family could get out of the area without being seen,” she says. “We can check all of them, but it will take time.”

“Do it,” I say with a nod. “Split up as much as you are comfortable with to cover more ground. But do it in the morning,” I add. “It's getting dark. I'll take first watch.”

Everyone nods to me and then nods off. I find a large tree nearby and sit at the base, leaning my staff against it. With no one awake to question my well-being, I drop the “Inquisitor act.”

“Damn it!” I whisper, hitting the ground with my fist. Sparks from it fly and singe the grass, creating a charred black circle. The answers are so close, it seems, but today was worthless. I take deep breaths, trying to convince myself that it's just the first day, that we'll find something more useful tomorrow, that I just need to keep going, keep looking. That maybe, if we find Bann Rainesfere and figure out what he did to Cullen, that maybe I can reverse it.

Those thoughts are the only things keeping me from burning down everything in sight. Instead, I settle for crying into my knees until it's time to wake Cassandra up.


	21. Two Roads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang goes out again to look for more information.

The next day, we split into two groups. My team and I take two of the paths and Harding sends a team to the other two. Harding herself stays behind and studies the maps, following the paths to see if they might lead anywhere important.

I look off into the distance. “We'll find something today, Cupcake,” Varric reassures me like he was reading my mind. I nod and give him a small smile before we head out. I lie to myself that I believe him. It's the only thing that's going to keep me going.

Both of our paths go west into the mountains. “Should we take the north or the south one?” I ask. Not that it really mattered. It was a fifty-fifty chance either way.  
“Hmm...south.” Varric answers. “I like the color of the sky better that way.”

Its the most arbitrary reason I can think of to pick a direction, but I definitely don't have any better suggestions and Cassandra and Cole aren't saying anything. “Alright. South it is.” I turn and start to walk with unwavering dedication. I don't care how long it takes. I will find a way to fix you. 

We've been walking for a few hours when we hear crying behind some trees. I signal to the others to stay put and start walking towards it. It sounds like it's coming from behind that tree over there...I peek around and see a little girl. I breathe a sigh of relief and motion the others over before coming around to crouch in front of her.

“Hey there,” I say softly, grabbing her attention. She looks up, startled. “It's alright. I'm not here to hurt you. Are you lost?” The girl nods. “My name is Ellana. What's yours?”

“Verity,” she answers softly.

“Well, Verity, would you like us to help you?” Varric has come up next to me and is also crouching down.

Verity nods. “I was with my parents and my two brothers.”

I stand up and hold out my hand. Verity takes it and stands, but doesn't let go. “Let's see if we can find them, then,” I say. “They must have been traveling along this path. Can't be too far ahead.” I didn't know if that was true or not, but Verity seemed to cheer up.

She must not have gotten lost long before we showed up because ten minutes down the path, we hear voices. “She has to be around here somewhere. She couldn't have wandered for...”

We round the bend and almost run into a family, one obviously belonging to the girl by the way she lets go of my hand and runs towards them immediately. “Momma!” She cries, leaping into the woman's arms.

“Verity! There you are!” The woman sweeps the little girl up into her arms. “Thank you so much,” she says, turning to me. “I don't know what we would have done if we hadn't been able to find her.

Two boys, obviously older than Verity but still young, moved to stand with their mother. A man, probably their father, strode forward holding his hand out. “Thank you for returning my daughter to us,” he reiterates. “To whom to I own her safety?”

“Ellana Lavellan,” I answer, taking the offered hand.

His eyes widen a little. “This is an honor,” he says. “What brings the Inquisition out here, your worship.”

“That is a private matter,” Cassandra answers, coming to stand behind me.

The man takes a respectful step back. “Of course. I didn't mean to intrude. I was merely wondering if you were able to stop a moment and take lunch with us.”

I debate with myself for a moment. We really should continue to look for Lord Rainesfere, but my stomach is growling. “We'd be delighted.” Cassandra looks like she wants to say something but I cut her off with a look.

“Wonderful! We have a cart just up ahead, where a couple of servants are already preparing a meal.” He leads the way, his wife following behind with the children and the rest of us taking up the rear.

I can smell the food before I see the cart. This re-energizes me a little. I'm so tired from the lack of sleep I've been getting that every step is an increasing effort. My feet feel heavy and even the packed dirt of the road looks like a comfortable pillow.

I feel warm arms wrap around me as I slump, stopping me from falling on the ground. My vision is fuzzy, but is that Cassandra and Varric on the ground?

“Don't worry too much about your friends, my dear,” a voice says behind me. “I'd be more worried about you.”


	22. The Dungeon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana is in way over her head.

The first thing I notice is how cold I am. Then a pain in my arms, particularly my shoulders and wrists. Then a heavily musky smell coming from all around me.

“Fate is kind to me, Inquisitor.” My eyes fall open, revealing a dark room lit with red somehow. Everything is still coming into focus, turning from dark shadows into a table splattered with blood, a chain leading from my wrists to the ceiling, and the man from the path.

“Who...who are you?” My voice is raspy, groggy, like I just woke up.

“You haven't guessed?” He says, getting really close and whispering into my ear. I try to back away from him but my toes barely touch the ground and I can't get any traction. “My name is Bann Rainesfere.”

Things start clicking into place in my head. Why they were on the path. Why he knocked me out. Why I ended up here. But what I still didn't understand was why he was after me in the first place. With all of these thoughts, all I could manage to get out was one word. “Why?”

He took a step back and laughed. “Why indeed. It's simple, really. You have power, a power that I want. Originally I was going to infiltrate your inner circle, but chance would have it that a rift ruined that plan.”

“A rift...” My brain is swimming. I don't understand.

He grins. “Maybe I should start at the beginning. It will be good for someone to understand my genius. You see,” he opened his palm and a purple light appeared inches above it, “I am a mage, and a well studied one at that. But not in any circle, no. That would be much too restricting. I wanted to learn all over, from all kinds of teachers. And that is how I found myself in the fade, learning from an envy demon.”

My eyes widen in shock. I'd killed envy demons while the fade rifts were still active, but I'd never stopped to have tea with one of them.

Rainesfere acknowledged my surprise with a nod. “Oh yes. Unlike skittish circle mages, or Dalish like yourself, I am not afraid to learn from any available source, including demons. The envy demon was quite accommodating and only asked in return that I find someone it could possess. I was only happy to supply one of my apprentices to serve as a vehicle for the demon's entrance into this world. In return, I learned an invaluable skill – how to become another person. How to watch them, change my appearance, and eventually take their place. You have actually experienced this with that death of your dear Cullen. That was actually another of my apprentices. Such a disappointment. He was so promising, too.”

The mention of his name makes me want to burst into tears, but I can't. Not now and definitely not here. “Why didn't you just kill him, then, when you put someone in his place?”

Rainesfere scowled. “That is the catch. The person you are impersonating has to be alive. The magical link can only remain open if it has a life force to latch on to.” He smiled. “But that's enough for now, I believe. I'm still working out what to do with such a prize as yourself. I wasn't exactly expecting you, so I have nothing prepared. He pulls out a bottle swirling with lavender liquid. Nuit Éternelle. “Goodnight, my dear. I shall see you when you awaken, with more stories to tell and more toys to play with.” He tips my chin back and pours the liquid down my throat. I have to swallow it or drown in it. It's more than the guy in Val Royeaux said you should take at one time. His sinister chuckle fades into the darkness with my vision.


	23. En'an'sal'in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana figures out a little more about her captor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is elvish for “comfort or healing, specifically after great pain or loss.” Credit goes to FenxShiral's Project Elvhen. http://archiveofourown.org/users/FenxShiral/pseuds/FenxShiral

I wake up on the cold stone floor. My hands and feet are tied, but at least I'm not hanging. “Good morning, Ellana. How are you feeling today?” Rainesfere asks. He and two guards are standing over me. He nods to them. “Former templars. They are suppressing your magic. Don't want anything to happen, now do we? The templars lift me off the floor and chain me back to the ceiling. I want to fight them, but the Nuit Éternelle is making em want to go back to sleep.

Rainesfere strides in front of me while the guards fiddle with something at the table behind him. “Now, you may be wondering, why you? It's a simple explanation, really. It's not actually you. But if the Inquisition crumbles, the world will fall into chaos. I don't think you even realize how much you hold the world together. With you gone, someone would have to step up to keep the peace. I intended to make sure that person was me, but plans change.” He grins. “Assassinated by your own commander while pregnant with his child would have been excellently showy, but now my name is out there in the world. I have to stay behind the scenes.” He reaches his hand behind him and pulls it back out holding a knife. “Fortunately, we've been keeping a close eye on you and your Inquisition so I could easily put an apprentice in your place. In fact, I have one preparing for just that purpose now.”

“How many apprentices do you have?” I can't resist asking. This is ridiculous. How many people were honestly following this maniac?

“Enough to see my vision realized,” he says. The knife digs into my cheek before I even know what's happening. Now that I've woken up, I'm in the Nuit Éternelle's hyper-awareness state. Since I became the Herald, I've been cut, bruised, stabbed, bones broken. None of it ever hurt like that. I screamed.

Rainesfere calmly wipes off the knife and puts it back on the table. “I see you've noticed the...effect of Nuit Éternelle on pain. I discovered it myself a few months back. The energy you get allows you to do so much, but it also heightens all your senses. And the more you take, the more your senses intensify.” He pulls another knife off the table, this one only the length of his index finger, and advances towards me. “And you only have to be alive for my girl to take your place.”


	24. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rainesfere might be a Bond villain.

The days blurred together into a routine, intervals of sleeping and pain. After those first couple days, he stopped stringing me from the ceiling. Mostly he strapped me to an angled board by my wrists and ankles. He would inflict as much pain as he could, though his preferred method was a sharp knife. Then, when even through the pain I could barely keep my eyes open, he would force me to drink more Nuit Éternelle and when I woke up the process would repeat again.

When I first wake up, I try to think of ways to escape, but Rainesfere is always there and I quickly fall off that high and then nothing matters anymore except going back to sleep. Sleep is a release, a reprieve from pain. Everything is bruised and bleeding and broken. I don't even remember what it feels like to have nothing stinging or aching or burning.

“I'm surprised you've lasted this long.” Rainesfere says after a particularly fire-driven session. The air smells like singed cloth and burnt flesh.

I glare at him. “Did you expect me to die?” I try to sound tough, authoritative, but my voice is raw from screaming for hours.

He tilts his head. “No, not at all. I would never push you that far. I still need you alive. I did, however, expect you to beg. Plead for mercy.”

“Like I would give you the satisfaction.”

He grins and exchanges the hot poker in his hand for the purple and silver bottle that I've come to hate. “I will break you yet, Inquisitor,” he croons as he pours down my throat. “Everyone has a breaking point. Even you.”


	25. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fun moves to a different location.

“Today is your lucky day.” Rainesfere stands outside the bars of a cell I was moved into days ago – I don't know how many. I haven't been dragged out and tortured since then, but I also haven't slept. My body keeps expecting a dose of Nuit Éternelle that never comes.

As a result, when Rainesfere comes to deliver his good news, I'm curled up in the corner, trying desperately to sleep. “Unless you've come to let me go, leave me alone.”

“Such a welcome you give your gracious host.” I roll my eyes. I don't have energy for anything else. I'm tired but can't sleep. Hungry but can't keep food down. And in a terrible mood. “Oh, don't be like that. I have an announcement. We're moving locations. This one has started to feel...exposed.”

“Oh. Good,” I say flatly, shifting to face the wall.

“I thought you would approve.” Chains clank behind me and the door creaks open. Rainesfere's favorite lackeys twist my arms behind me and secure them with cold metal. I can't stand so they drag me out. “Let's go.”

I'm loaded into the back of a cart covered in heavy fabric.

“...like your new home?” I squint at Rainesfere. It's bright. Too bright. Where did the tarp go? “Be silent if you wish.” He leaves. What was he even doing there? I feel like crying. I don't understand how I got here. I remember the cart and the cell, and in between...nothing.

I lay down facing the wall, shaking, tears hot on my cheeks, which are freezing.

I lose track of how long I lay there crying. The rattle and creak of the cell door opening knocks me out of my reverie.

A boot digs into my spine. “Get up,” Rainesfere snaps. I ignore him. I don't care anymore. There's nothing left.

He kicks me. Hard. “Get up!” I moan but just can't bring myself to do it. “Grab her and follow me.”

I'm picked up and draped over the man's shoulder. He carries me to a nearby room and throws me into a chair, using leather to strap my wrists and ankles.

As soon as he's done, Rainesfere has a knife to my throat. “How did you do it?”

My head is swimming and banging against its cage. Everything hurts and my joints ache. It all stacks against me being able to register his words. “What?”

“How did you get word to them? How did they know you were there?”

The words struggle to take root in my mind. “Who...who is 'they'?”

Rainesfere takes a long look at me. “No. You couldn't have done it. I'll have to figure that out later. For now, stay here.” And I'm alone in the room, more confused than ever.


	26. Who are you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana has a vivid imagination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up. I lost my USB key and, like an idiot, that was the only place I had this story saved. But I found it and all is right in the world again. So enjoy!

He's still gone and I'm still here. I haven't seen anyone else. I keep thinking I see things, like moving shadows or creatures in the corners, but I would look again and nothing was there. Maybe I'm going crazy. It would make sense. I've been through enough.

A door opens just in my peripheral vision. Rainesfere is finally back. I try to mentally prepare myself.

“Ellana?” The voice is hesitant, gruff, and not at all like Rainesfere's. I turn to look and am greeted by short blond curls and golden brown eyes.

“Who…?” So familiar but I just can't connect the dots. My head is straining to break free of my skull. For all I know, I could just be imagining this guy.

He smiles sadly. “It's alright, Ellana. I'm here to help.”

Help? Why would a stranger help me? There had to be more than this. Some piece I'm missing.

I don't know why, but he's as good as his word. He takes the sword in his hand and cuts my restraints. I fall to the floor. I don't think I've stood on my own for months. Now I can't.

“Oh, Ellana.” The man says as he drapes me over his arms. Why such tenderness? I don't understand. Everything is fuzzy, but I can't help but feel a connection to him.

“Dorian! I found her!” Dorian? My mind is working overtime trying to put the pieces together.

“Bring her over here.” I change arms. “Where are you going?”

“To kill the bastard that did this.” There's no argument.

“It's alright, Ellana. We're going to get you out of here.” The new man puts his hand over my eyes and a soft purple light sings me off to sleep.


	27. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just like it sounds.

When I wake up, my hand is warm. Warmer than any other part of my body. I look down at it to find it it engulfed in a much larger hand. I follow the line of the attached arm until it ends in a sleeping face haloed in those blonde curls.

“C-Cullen?” I ask. My throat fumbles with the words, lips unused to farming them. So soft I'm afraid he won't hear.

His head lifts up and he blinks slowly. “Ellana?” Suddenly he is standing, holding my hand tighter. “How are you feeling?”

“Let the poor woman breathe,” Dorian laughs on the other side.

“Wh-where am I?” I ask. “How did I get here?”

“You don't remember?” Cullen asks, his face concerned.

I search for memories that don't seem to be there. “I...I remember pain and a cell and then a room and then...and then...nothing. Until now.”

Dorian hands me a glass of cool water and I gulp it down all at once. “It's not surprising you don't remember much. You were delirious when we found you.”

I look down at the cup in my hands. Everything not covered by my nightgown is covered in bandages. Some places sting but mostly my body is a dull ache.

“You've been asleep for about a week,” Cullen says, taking the cup so he can refill it. I drink the next cup just as quickly. It disappears again and reappears full. This one I drink slower.

“How did I get back here?” I ask, finally recognizing that this is my room. That I'm home.

“Don't worry about that now. For now, you need to continue to rest and recover.” Dorian strokes my head, the purple light returning.

Cullen squeezes my hand. “Sleep. I will be here when you wake, I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this took so long to come out. I've had it written for a while, but then I moved and my USB key went missing. But here it is, the final chapter. I'm thinking of writing a sequel piece, if there's enough interest in it, so let me know! It would explore multiple layers of PTSD for both Ellana and Cullen.


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